Thoughts....

Fate has a way of taking over a life without warning. One never seems to know when destiny has arrived until it is too late to change courses. For some, that's a good thing. Fate scoops those lucky ones up, holds them close forever, steers the course and finally, fate delivers the chosen safely home to Jesus. Those of us who get off course are the lonely ones. Somewhere along the way we lose ourselves. We don't even remember who we were in the beginning, because we have let those around us take over. We just tend to wander aimlessly through time in a reactive state.

I have talked with people from all walks of life. I know the very successful, the people who flew in the Concord when it was still in the skies, the CEO's of the Fortune 500 companies, lawyers in the most successful firms, Hollywood directors, political giants and I also know the people who wander the streets and those who live in mental institutions most of their lives. I am most comfortable with the latter, perhaps because I could have been a part of that world. It would be appropriate to say "but for the grace of God," but I don't believe God's grace dictates tragic lives for some and happiness for others. It's not God's fault some of us wander away. When we lose ourselves in the process of living, we don't have a lot of survival choices left. You can go with the emotional pain and let someone somewhere stamp your file with a label and live amongst the downtrodden. Or you numb your feelings with alcohol and drink yourself into oblivion. Or you can become a workaholic and your job becomes your lover.

It is very hard to tell whether the mentally ill, the alcoholics or the workaholics are the saddest. From the outside looking in, the mentally ill laugh, eat and believe it or not, most are a lot more comfortable hiding behind the walls of crazy than trying to deal with the harsh expectations of the world around them. They may be the most sensitive. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the earth," God said. There are a million interpretations for that, but I believe it means these gentle loving people who roam the streets of America and cause heads to turn...some to stare at them and others to look away, are God's people. The emotional pain is so severe and the soul is just too gentle to fight anymore.

On the other hand, the workaholics use their job to keep the mind busy. A busy mind doesn't have time to think about what has been lost along the way. If you don't take the time to think about it, you can kid yourself into believing it never existed in the first place. We just go about our day meeting every responsibility in such a way it becomes a need for us. We are going to be the best at everything. We don't feel anymore. We become robotic in nature. We can meet all of the expectations of others. We no longer have control of our destiny, because we don't even exist as an individual. We belong to others. We are owned by our businesses, our employees, our families, the public and by all who for some reason, are drawn to us. We look real, and we can even convince ourselves we are living, but in reality, our life is an illusion. You have to look deep into the eyes to see the souls of these people.

Something about nothing...

I am feeling guilty today, because I have ignored this blog for so many months.  I let the daily demands of  life interfere with the challenge of keeping my public blog up to date.  When I started this, I vowed I would write in it at least three times monthly.  Some would say that I don't take vows too seriously anyway, since I have had three husbands.  Well, I actually still have one of them.  I could blame him for keeping me away from blogging, but that really isn't true.  It wouldn't be the first time I blamed him for something he didn't do, but I figure that makes up for the times during our 34 years together he has slipped something by me.  That is how it works in long term marriages.  It is called give and take.  I do take vows seriously and that is why my guilty feelings have driven me today to try and find something hidden deep inside my brain that is worthy of writing.  I now sit here wondering how I was ever capable of handling a weekly column for the San Diego County Herald.  My brain has been purged.  There is nothing in there of interest to share.  Knowing that and since fools rush in where angels fear to tread, here I go.

I am working on two books, and they have been taking up some of my time.  One, for now, is entitled "How To Fight Like A Woman."  The other, for now, is entitled "River of Life."  I just finished up my part of a year long project of licensing a day program located at a horse ranch.  The program combines traditional services with equestrian activities.  When I wasn't literally attending training, completing paperwork, developing operational manuals and completing many other steps towards the goal of obtaining a license, I was thinking about the project.  It is now licensed, and I have a very good director managing the services.  It seems like I have been living with my computer.  I handle our personal finances on the internet.  I am on the computer, of course, when working on the books.  The computer is used for the majority of my business correspondence.  All of our management personnel are using the internet for communication.  Tenants and landlords are using the internet for communication.  Finally, California's super agencies have decided to use the internet for communication with providers of services throughout the state.  Our local regional centers also use the internet for keeping providers informed and meeting our mutual communication needs.  I also invoice for our services through e billing.   Add to the list of internet communicators contracted business services, employee issues and the list goes on and on.  The bottom line is that my laptop and blackberry have become my office.  It also has become a place that allows me to stay in touch with family members and to occasionally be surprised by people who have passed through my life in the past.   Jerry bought a very small laptop for me this year, and it goes with me when I leave town. 

Saving the best for last, I have to mention Facebook.  What does Facebook mean to me?  It means that I can take a break any time I choose when I see a comment pop into my email file telling me that someone I am friends with on Facebook is saying something on Facebook.  I can choose to click in and make a comment, or I can delete it.  This means I can take a break without feeling like I am wasting time.  After all, I am right there working while "talking" to someone.  It is sort of like working in an office filled with people I enjoy.  It means my day is filled with laughter and nonsensical statements.  Facebook is a place that allows me to stay in close touch with people who live far away.  On Facebook, I can share my personal challenges like I did recently when my beloved English bulldog, Max, died.  There was so much love and support offered by friends, family and even strangers.  I will not forget the day I kicked up the computer and saw Max's face on so many friends and family profiles.

There...something about nothing, but by golly, I wrote in my blog.  My guilt is gone, because I explained it all away.  Didn't I?