Thinking about it....

I awoke at 3:15 A.M., according to my watch, but I remembered that it was 4:15 A.M. due to the time change which happened long after I had gone to sleep. I prayed for my children, looked at the TV to see if anything was worthy of breaking news, touched my foot to my husband's leg and went back to sleep. After thirty five years of sleeping with this man, I still felt the need to touch him while sleeping. I will place my hand on his arm, or foot to his foot and on cool nights, I sometimes snuggle next to him. I refuse to think about the fact that someday he will not be there. He has FTD and Alzheimer's Disease.

Should I let my mind wander in that dreadful direction in the middle of the night, I would be lying there awake when dawn arrives. I don't want to think about it then, because I think about it all day long. Make the morning coffee, think about it. Take the bulldogs out, think about it. Pay a few bills, think about it. Drive to the store, think about it. Take phone calls, while thinking about it.

In seven more days, springtime will arrive in California. Tomorrow it is supposed to be in the 80's. Still thinking about it. How many more springtimes will we share together? Will he know me next year?

Time to make the morning coffee, thinking about it. I glance out the kitchen window, take a second look and then my full attention is given to a creature slinking across my driveway. A shocker for sure. It is a peacock, and there is another one. How did that happen? I run upstairs to wake my husband, so he can see them before they leave. He is excited and gets up to check them out. In the meantime, I run for the camera and go outside to take photos of our new uninvited but welcome guests. We had fun with the peacocks especially when we found there were four of them. The bulldogs definitely feel they don't need this kind of fun, but Jerry and I, for a little while, stopped thinking about it.

When someone officially hands you a diagnosis of a terminal disease, your life changes immediately. Pep talks from loved ones don't work very well when you have a terminal brain disease. The hope that one can have even with cancer isn't present for us now. Instead, we try to focus on our blessings and the time we have now. We express our love for each other a lot these days. We laugh together. We also spend time discussing what will happen to me afterwards. He wants me to eat, drink and be merry. I can't imagine much after us, because it has been about us for most of my life.

This week we see another neurologist. Jerry has hand and arm tremors now. He and I are both proud when he passes the silly little test given as a preliminary check for Alzheimer's. He can pass it with flying colors. They always marvel at that, as if he had just won the Indy 500. But we know and even without the sophisticated PET scan results and psychological testing, we know. Our lives are changing...and I live for those very brief moments when I am not thinking about it.

Thinking about it....